462 Holly Worton ~ Overcoming the Fear of Solo Walking and Adventures

Transcript

HOLLY WORTON: Hello adventurers and welcome to the Into the Woods Podcast, episode 462. This is your host Holly Worton, and I am back with another solo episode.

Now this is a topic that I have kind of touched on before in episode 393, where I talk about staing safe in the outdoors. So I have been asked to speak, or write, or comment lately a couple of times, on overcoming the fear of solo walking. And I feel like I always kind of skirt around the real topic here. So today I am just going to go direct to the point and talk about what most women are afraid of when it comes to getting outdoors.

So what I am not going to talk about today. I am not going to talk about basic outdoor safety, because I covered this in episode 393 (that’s a good episode and you should check that out!). I am not going to talk about overcoming fear of animals, I am not going to talk about staying safe in terms of preventing heat and cold injuries or other types of injuries, getting lost, navigation, none of that, because that is all stuff that you can learn. Those are practical fears that you can very easily learn what you need to learn to have the knowledge and have the confidence to get outdoors and overcome those fears.

What I am going to talk about today is what most women are afraid of when we talk about being afraid of going out alone, hiking alone, running alone, walking alone and that is the two-legged animal, other human beings, usually men.

So I feel like I usually skirt around this topic because it feels like, you know ‘not all men’ and I am saying that with air quotes, obviously we know that. But the fear is there. And it is funny, because when I have talked about this with outdoorsy men, a lot of times they are really surprised that women are afraid of men, because they are not the kind of guys that are going to attack women, so they don’t realise that women have this fear of getting attacked by men on the trail. But the fear is there and the fear is real. And I know that because I talk to women who are surprised that I spend so much time outdoors. I have taken other women on walks who I know do not go on their own because they are afraid.

So let’s talk about it. I am not a fearless person! And I am usually not the kind of person who can ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. I have really had to work to overcome this. So I remember being a teenager and going hiking, I lived down the street from the Mount Diablo State Park. It was great, I lived at the foot of this little mountain and I used to go hiking sometimes. Sometimes I would go on my own and I was always super afraid. I was always checking my back, at the slightest sound, I was looking behind, I don’t even know why I did it, I was always really, really, paranoid.

And then when I moved to the UK I was also quite fearful in the beginning, I would walk and hear a noise and look behind me and I was constantly checking my back. And if you are a fearful walker or hiker you might know what I am talking about. When I would walk down a trail and I would see (I still do this today!) if I see a lone man walking towards me on the trail I will wait a few seconds and once I feel like he should be sufficiently far behind me, I will turn around and make sure he is where he should be, in terms of walking away from me on the trail. So I do still have some fears!

I have seen a couple of sketchy guys on the trail but nothing has ever happened and I don’t know if that is my own paranoia that builds up the fear, or whether they are weird. I remember, perhaps it was the year before, when I was doing the Wey South Path, and I was updating and getting ready to update my book on that. I was doing the walk in one day and I was in this little woodland and this guy came up behind me with his dog and for some reason I don’t know I just didn’t want him behind me so I stopped and pretended to tie my shoelace so I could get him in front of me. He was with his dog, just a dog walker and he went in front of me and moved on. So I started walking more slowly just to let him get in front of me and further and further and then the trail kind of zig zagged up and it went through this hedge and through this farm and so I was going straight and I checked to see where he was and he had gone left, but he had also stopped and was kind of looking back and I felt that he was looking to see which way I was going.  And again, this could have been my own paranoia, everything was fine, nothing happened but I just didn’t like the way he had stopped and was looking back towards the trail to see, maybe, where I was going or maybe just looking at a bird, I don’t know, but I just got a weird vibe. Again, nothing happened it was fine. And that’s really the most notable time that something like that has happened, most of the time I feel fine.

You know, I do get out for running, hiking, walking, no problems! I go camping alone. The only thing I have been fearful of that has kept me from doing it on my own is wild camping. And I went wild camping a couple of times on this Coast-to-Coast walk accompanied by two men, so that was really safe. And I feel like now that I have experienced wild camping in a very remote place, I feel like I would be more likely to try it on my own. Of course down here in the south it is not permitted, wild camping isn’t permitted, so I don’t really have any easy places to try it out that I feel like are sufficiently remote but I have been watching this YouTube channel where this guy does stealth camping, in not really remote places. I don’t know if I am up for that but I feel like I am getting to the point where I am going to try wild camping on my own and I feel that is kind of the next outdoor fear for me to overcome.

Stay tuned, maybe I will do it soon, I have been talking about this for a long time, so long in fact that a friend of mine who had listened to this podcast, where I mentioned wanting to go wild camping on my own, asked me if I had done it and I still hadn’t, so here we are! But that’s definitely my next and final, for now, outdoors fear to overcome.

So that is where I am with outdoor fears, I am not fearless, but I get out there. The only thing that my fears have been preventing me from doing is wild camping, so pretty good, I’m pretty happy with that. I want to get out wild camping on my own, that will be fun, but for now it is not preventing me from doing most of the things that I want to be doing.

So how can you overcome your fear and anxiety around solo fear and adventures? I think this is more than a case of ‘fear the fear and do it anyway, just get out there and do it’, but that is part of it. So part of what has gotten me to this point is that I just went out and did it, I went out there, I went out for solo walks, I went out for solo hikes, did the long distance trails. And the more I do it, the better I feel, the more confident I feel, the more confidence I have. So I think my advice would be to start small, start easy, and then expand from there. So start with a short local walk or hike around your house or a trail that you are familiar with or have done with other people. Or somewhere you feel safer for whatever reason, because it is closer to home, or the terrain is easy or you feel, whatever feels small and easy to you.

And then expand from there, so getting out there and just doing it is a part of it, however, I think there are things that you can do and learn that will also help, not only give you the confidence to get out there alone, but also give you the skills you need to manage the situation if something does happen.

So self defence, I took my first self defence class back in 1992 ,I am going to share a picture of this in the show notes. I did this really cool self defence course for women called model mugging. And this started in the States, I did this course in California, they now have them all over the world, sadly they don’t have any courses in the UK. I think the nearest place you can do these courses is Germany, but I think they have courses in English in Europe. So this is that course, you may have seen pictures (and I will put a picture in the show notes) where the guy is dressed up in this big protective suit and you are defending yourself with full force blows. This is designed around the kind of self defence that women need, so if someone comes up from behind you and grabs your hair and takes you down onto the ground. There is a lot of ground fighting because that’s where a lot of women are going to be fighting from, if someone is trying to rape you they are probably not going to do it standing up, so you need to learn how to fight on the ground and especially with your legs. Women are quite strong with our legs and in model mugging we learned a lot of blows and ways to strike with your legs. So that was a really great course and that I did in 1992, it was the end of my freshman year of university and I felt a lot more confident after taking that. I used to be really, really, paranoid about personal safety and it gave me a lot of confidence.

As time went on I really wanted to do some kind of martial art, never did it, never did it, never did it, finally, seven years ago, I decided to do it that year, 2015, and I signed up for kickboxing. And you will know, because I talk about all the time on this show, that I am a brown-black belt, hoping to do my black belt grading this year or the next and I have come a long way. Kickboxing has given me so much confidence, completely transformed how I feel in terms of self confidence. One thing I really like about the classes that I do is that they are mixed, men and women, and the fact that I can get on a mat and spar with a man has given me a ton of confidence. So my advice would be don’t just get out there and do it and force yourself to overcome the fear, but also prepare, be safe, know how to defend yourself physically. I think this is a skill that every women should have, girl, woman, any female of any age, this is super important. And I think if you haven’t done any kind of self defence course, maybe now is a good time to do it. Probably nothing will ever happen to you but if it does you know how to defend yourself. I really cannot begin to describe how it has changed my life and how it is has given me confidence. And I am sure that part of the reason that I have been able to get out there and do all of the solo hiking and walking that I do (and running) is because I feel confident that I know how to fight. If someone does attack me on the trail I know what to do. Partly because of model mugging and partly because of kickboxing. So self defence, do it.

So how to be safe when you are alone? Some things, goes without saying, but I feel I should say it anyway, always have your phone with you, in case something happens you need to be able to call for help. Avoid dangerous areas, I think there are places where we know in our gut aren’t really safe but sometimes we go there anyway. So going back to university, there were certain places that I didn’t feel safe walking but I did it anyway because they were shortcuts. I remember there was this really convenient short cut that went behind the Health Centre of the University and it was really dark back there and it was a nice sidewalk but it was dark, there wasn’t enough lighting. And I was always a bit wary but it really cut a few minutes off my walk and so I would do it sometimes but I would always be a bit paranoid. And then, this one year, the University did this thing called ‘Take Back the Night’, I don’t know if universities still do this, but it was like a women’ protest thing to say that women should be able to feel safe walking around alone at night. So every year there would be this kind of protest where women would go and walk around different places on campus where assaults had happened and they would talk about it and they would talk about how to stay safe. But this one year, someone who was involved in that program, painted red hand prints al around the campus where women had been assaulted. And multiple handprints where there had been multiple assaults, well that year about five red hand prints showed up behind the Health Centre, so it was the place that I was always afraid to walk but always thought, oh nothing will happen. Well, at least five assaults happened there. That was a really interesting moment for me because it was such a confirmation of the fact that my gut was telling me not to go there after dark but I was doing it anyway. In day time it was perfectly fine there were plenty of people there, but at night it was just…, it felt wrong and it felt wrong for a reason, stuff had happened there. So avoid dangerous areas or areas where your gut is just saying ‘no’. If your gut is saying no for some reason just pay attention to it and go somewhere else. I remember there was also this shortcut that I used to do across this little creek to go to campus, anything could have happened there ( but it was off campus so there were no handprints), that was another place, sometimes in the evening I would be coming back from class and would be like: I probably shouldn’t cross the creek there, so I wouldn’t but it was really convenient. So again, listen to your gut, and avoid the areas that your gut is telling you to stay away from.

At the same time stay alert, be aware of what is going on around you, don’t get too lost in your thoughts and certainly don’t get lost in music or podcasts. I do not ever listen to podcasts or music with in-ear headphones, ever. I used to listen to just one headphone and leave the other one out, now if I am going to listen to podcasts or music on the trail I use bone conducting headphones. So bone conducting headphones, and I will link to them in the show notes, are headphones that sit on your jaw bone and they conduct the sound into your ears through your skull. So that’s leaves your actual ears open to listen to stuff on the trail. So I find those to be useful, they make me feel safer, and I feel like that’s just part of being alert and being aware of what is around me on the trail because if you don’t know who is around you, or what’s around you on the trail, anything could happen.

Next, walk purposively and confidently. So if you see someone or something that makes you nervous, be aware of how you are walking: stand up straight, walk purposively, walk confidently, maybe think of a song that gives you confidence, that gives you rhythm, something that helps you to walk purposively. That is going to make a big difference because if you look alert and confident you are going to be less likely to be chosen as a victim. If you are not paying attention to anything and you look kind of scared, yeah that’s a different story.

Tell someone where you are going. This is practical, always tell someone where you are going and what direction you are going in. A lot of times when I go for a run I don’t know exactly which route I am taking, but I will always tell my husband I am going that way, or that way, he kind of knows where I run because we run together, so if I tell him which direction I am going more or less, he knows where I am going.

Another thing that I have done, especially when I walk a national trail, a linear route, I will take pictures of the signs and text them to him. So you can text a partner or a friend or someone sigs of where you are on the route so they know where you are. So on a national trail I am walking from point to point and there are many signs along the way of nearest village or other trail or whatever and I always take pictures of those and text them to him, so he knows where I am going so that he can follow me on the trail but also if something were to happen that was the last known point of where I was. And there is also obviously a time stamp in the text so if something were to happen, if you got injured or something worse, they would know that you were at that point at a certain time.

Next, be vague on social media. So I don’t share on social media exactly where I am. If I am doing a national trail like the South Downs Way or the Ridgeway, I don’t share the photos on the same day. I either delay or I mix them up, I am just not clear about where I am staying every night. I don’t share where I actually am and I will mix up the posts sometimes. So just because I don’t want people to know where I am (except for the people I do want to know where I am!).

So if you see a sketchy person or someone who makes you uncomfortable, listen to your gut, this is the most important thing I can say. Trust yourself, always trust yourself, there is a reason that your gut is telling you that something is wrong.  And if you haven’t read the book, The Gift of Fear, I highly recommend it. So it is this book that was written by this, I am not sure exactly what his role is, he is a celebrity stalker helper! He helps celebrities and people who have stalkers and he helps them to stay safe. But basically the whole book is about listening to your gut, because when your gut is telling you something is wrong, that’s because some part of your system saw something that was a red flag, but maybe your conscious brain didn’t recognise it, or isn’t aware of it, but your subconscious is, because it knows that something is wrong. So whether it is something in the person’s behaviour or something that you saw out of the corner of your eye, listen to your gut. And I will link in the show notes to that book, The Gift of Fear, because it is really, really, good.

Again, act confident, walk purposively, make eye contact – when I see someone, like a lone man walking, whether they look ‘normal’ or whether the look a little bit concerning, make eye contact and greet them, ‘hi’, you don’t need to get into a big conversation, but just ‘good afternoon’, say hello, make eye contact. That’s also how I gauge the other person as well, because sometimes I have crossed paths with men who don’t meet my eye and they don’t say anything to me, and like we have passed right by each other but it is like I am not even there. So that  is kind of a red flag to me and something that I notice, because most people greet other people when you are alone on a trail, so that is something that would make me take notice.

Another thing, if you are engaging with this person and they are escalating the situation or giving you reason to be afraid, is to calm your fear. This is something that I learned in the early days of kickboxing, I was a red belt and I was on the mat with this woman who was a yellow belt, but she hadn’t been to class in a long time, I didn’t know her, she didn’t know me, she was a level more advanced than me, but we didn’t know each other, we didn’t know our fighting styles and I was still very new to it. So I was very fearful of other people when I would get on the mat and spar with people and this was the first time that I felt someone being scared of me and that was something really new, I had never felt that before because I was new and other people knew that I was not a scary person, but she was scared of me. And it really through me off at first but I could feel her fear and I could feel her nervousness. We fought, I don’t remember who won, but we went on with the class but it really stuck in me how I could feel her fear. So if I could feel her fear I realised that other people could feel my fear, so I learned that when I got on the mat with someone and I was afraid of them, the second I felt that fear, and that’s kind of hard when you are on a mat getting ready to fight with someone but, I learned how to do it, the second I practised there it was.

Now to this day whenever I get on a mat with someone and the bell is about to go off, and I feel that tightening stomach fear, I just calm down, and I just tell myself to calm the fear. So if you are in a situation where you afraid of someone remember this, calm your fear, because predatory people are going to feed of that fear, they are going to feel it and that is going to pique their interest. So remember to calm your fear, you can do it, it is like an energetic thing, just feel yourself calming the fear. And again, that’s not about ignoring your gut instinct, you are recognising that your gut is telling you that this is a bad situation, potentially but you are calming the fear so as to present as a calm and confident person to this other person that you are afraid of. So it is just about masking that fear for them, while at the same time recognising this might not be a good situation.

If the person engages in conversation with you don’t ever admit that you are alone, tell them that your friend or your partner is either behind you or in front of you, obviously your fictional friend should be in the direction that the person is walking towards and not where they have come from otherwise they will know that no one is ahead, but don’t admit that you are alone. And also, don’t be polite and I think this is an area a lot of women get into trouble with, if someone is being aggressive do not feel the need to be polite. I remember reading this story online about this woman who had this guy who was following her on a trail and she kept trying to get away from him and he was like, oh can I just have a hug? And she was like, no. And he kept trying to move in for a hug, don’t be polite, don’t give in to the hug, that is just totally inappropriate, you know it is inappropriate, who gives random people hugs on a trail? No! Like don’t be polite and give in to whatever it is that they are asking for, because this is a technique that predators will sometimes use to test your boundaries.  And it is how they break through you boundaries and break past your boundaries with something innocent like a hug, but once they have done that they realise that it is easier for them to get you to bend to their will. Don’t be polite, if someone is being aggressive, if someone is being inappropriate, do not feel the need to be polite, do not give them a hug, do not give them a kiss, do not do things that you don’t want to do, just say no and say no very clearly and get the hell away from them.

When it comes to wild camping, remote is safety: stay away from roads, stay away from exit routes, the more remote you are the safer you will be.  And I think that is part of the reason why I haven’t attempted wild camping, because I don’t live in a very remote area, but I really look forward to getting back up into the Lake District and places where I can go wild camping in very remote areas, because while one of the places where we wild camped, it was very remote and I honestly would have felt very safe there on my own. So that might be where I need to go for a weekend or a long weekend or something to experiment. So we will see.

So what are the benefits of going on long adventures? Why should you even bother getting past this fear and doing things on your own when you could do it with other people?

I find it really empowering to go on solo adventures, whether it is solo walking, hiking, or whatever. When I get back I feel really good about myself, I feel really empowered, it boosts my self confidence, it boosts my self esteem, I just feel good about myself. You know, I have had an adventure, I have done it on my own, I have relied on myself, it was fine, it was great, it gives me a boost. It is also a step outside of our comfort zone, which has a ripple effect on other parts of our life, so every time I step out of my comfort zone and have some kind of adventure it makes it easier for me to step outside of my comfort zone in other areas of my life. Other things that were previously difficult or scary get easier, and that’s a good thing.

It is also easier for us to reconnect with ourselves on a solo adventure. Now when I do my national trails, when I do a long distance walk, it is a very introspective experience, I am very much connected with myself and spending time with myself, I don’t know, I have just gotten used to that, that’s the norm. And I realised when I did this Coast to Coast walk with other people that there wasn’t as much of that, it was very different, it was very much about sharing the experience with the other people, which is fantastic but it is a different type of experience. So if you are used to doing adventures with other people you might find it really useful to go on a solo adventure to reconnect with yourself and to just be with yourself and get to know yourself and this is something that I talk about a lot, knowing yourself, because I think the better we know ourselves the easier it is for us to make the right decisions for ourselves and create the life we want to live.

So hope you found this useful. I was a bit concerned about talking about this topic because, I don’t know, it just feels delicate for some reason. So here we are talking about the thing that I have been skirting around the issue, but here we are. So if you want to learn how to stay safe in the outdoors in other ways, in terms of navigation, health, safety, that kind of thing, I have a podcast episode which I mentioned at the start, which is staying safe in the outdoors, 393, and I also have a blog post, Solo Hiking for Women, Staying Safe in the Outdoors, where I talk a little bit about the stuff I have done today but I didn’t go as in depth into it.

So I hope you found this episode interesting and useful and I hope that it inspires you to get outdoors alone, give it a try. Obviously you know if you live in an area where it is safe for you to get outdoors, I really understand that not all countries are as safe as where I live, and there are some countries I have lived in where I would not go hiking alone. So use common sense. If you know that your country or part of the world that you live in isn’t safe, don’t do it but you might live in a place that is super safe and you have just been afraid to go out, so I hope you find this useful. If you enjoyed this episode you might want to check out these related shows: 438, I talk with Jenny Mowbray about solo travel and adventure when you are in a relationship. 414, I talk with Rebecca Walsh about solo hiking for women, 383 I talk with Anne Malambo about how solo travel can change our lives and 367 I talk about finding yourself through solo travel and outdoor adventures.  So that is all for now, hope you enjoyed it and have a great week. And remember to visit HollyWorton.com/462 for the show notes on this episode.