239: Holly Worton ~ How to Quit the Comparison Game for Good

Today’s Guest

Table of Contents

I’m back again, with another solo episode! Today I talk about the comparison game: that crappy game that we’ve all played at one time or another. It’s certainly not fun, and we can never win it. So why do we keep playing? I explore how we can quit the comparison game for good in this episode.

Listen to this episode

What You’ll Learn

A three step process to help you quit the comparison game for good
How to understand what your particular brand of comparison game works
Things you can journal on to get clarity on what your comparison game looks like
How to get a higher perspective on your comparison game and the people you put on a pedestal
Why you don’t have all the information on someone else’s game
How to take both inner and outer action to quit the comparison game for good

Connect With Holly

How to Subscribe

Click here to subscribe via iTunes
Click here to subscribe via RSS
Click here to subscribe via Stitcher

Help Spread the Word

If you enjoyed this episode, please head on over to iTunes and kindly leave us a rating and a review! You can also subscribe, so you’ll never miss an episode.

Related episodes

Transcript

The transcript for this episode can also be downloaded here (no opt-in required).

Holly: Hello and welcome to the Business Mindset Podcast, episode 239; this is your host Holly Worton and I am back with another solo episode. Today, I am going to talk about: How to Quit the Comparison Game for Good. This is something that has been an issue for me, it has been an issue for a lot of my clients and when I say, ‘the comparison game’, you know exactly what I mean. It is when you go online, and you see someone else has done something amazing, and you feel bad about yourself for it. Or, you don’t even go online you just have mind crap in the back of your head going: ‘you are not as successful as so and so, you are not doing as well as them, your business is shit, you are a failure…’ You know, whatever your negative mind stuff is that comes up for you. There are so many ways that the comparison game can come into your life, but it fundamentally is all about you comparing where you are on your journey to where someone else is on their journey. Now the comparison game is not a great game to play because there is pretty much no way you can win it. This isn’t a game that usually happens when we achieve something amazing, or we do something new and exciting and fabulous and we look at other people and say: oh, look how great they are doing, they are not doing as well as we are. It is the other way around, it is always, or at least every time I have ever heard about it, or experienced it, it is always us comparing ourselves unfavourably to other people and putting other people on a pedestal and putting ourselves I don’t know down in a basement. So, there is no way to win the comparison game, it feels like shit, it’s not good for our confidence, it is not good for our self-esteem, it is not good for our business, it is the opposite of a healthy sense of competition.

Now, I am not a competitive person, so in doing sports and fitness kind of stuff I am actually not… I am just not competitive with other people. I like to improve my times, my performance, my stuff, but I don’t tend to spend as much time comparing myself to other people and in competitive sports I never really gave a shit about winning so this is, and I know that I am not normal in this area, most people are competitive like that, but that’s kind of a healthy sense of competitiveness. You know you are playing a game, you want to win, most people do if you are not me(!) so, that’s kind of a healthy sense of competitiveness. The comparison game, however, it is not healthy; it is just you finding excuses, that shitty part of you, that crappy part of your brain that has all the crappy crap, it is that part of you putting yourself down, when you compare yourself to other people. So, without further ado, let’s just jump into this because you know what I am talking about. So, how to quit the comparison game for good? Now, this is something that I can’t say that I have mastered, it is something I am still working on, and I think it is something that is really worth talking about. I was, as usual, browsing through some blog posts before I started this episode, when I was making my notes and bullet points and things for what I wanted to say. Lots of people write about the comparison game but I feel like it is very superficial, I really didn’t find anything that dug deeper into the issue and really got to the core of it. So, I hope to help dig a little deeper today and hopefully help you quite the comparison game for good.

So, the way that I have organised this episode, there are kind of three stages to quitting the comparison game for good and the first stage is: understand it, become aware of it. So, become aware of when your mind goes into that space, when you see other people celebrating something and your mind goes to that place of comparison. Or, when you are reflecting on your goals, reflecting on your business and your mind goes to that place. Awareness is the first step in so many things; you have got to become aware of when you are experiencing this. And I think it can be really useful to journal on this, so maybe keep a page in your journal, or just write about what you are experiencing in terms of comparison. Maybe write down the people you compare yourself to, why you compare yourself to them, what you think you are doing differently. Get that crap out of your head and onto paper and this might be something like I said you want to journal on or maybe it is something that you want to write down on a separate piece of paper and then burn it, that might be a good thing to do too. Go with whatever works for you. But, I think it is really important for you to become aware of this even if it doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t feel good. So, take a look at: what’s going on here, what are your fears? Are you afraid that people are going to look at you and say: Oh well, she is not as successful as so and so. Are you afraid that people are going to think that you are not serious, or as professional, or as good at what you do, what are the fears that come up for you? And a lot of times these fears have to do with: what will people think of me? What will people say about me? When in reality people are focussed on their own journey, and not usually thinking too much about what other people are doing, but this is the crappy place that our minds often go when we are playing the comparison game.

So, what are your fears? What’s behind that comparison game and how does it make you feel? So, how do you feel when you are comparing yourself to this person, or that person, or the other person? How specifically does that feel? Do you feel like a failure? Are you disappointed in yourself? Do you feel like you are never going to make your business work the way these other people do? Do you feel like you will never have financial freedom the way other people do? Do you feel like your business is always going to be hard, unlike other people’s business which is so easy? How do you feel? Do you feel trapped, stuck, frustrated, angry? What emotions are coming up when you play the comparison game? And what does this comparison game stop you from doing? Like, how does this comparison game keep you safe? How does it keep you playing small and uncomfortably comfortable within your comfort zone? How does this comparison game stop you from doing the things that you want to do and how does it keep you stuck? That was like five different ways of asking the same question, so I hope one of those resonated with you!

So, these are all the questions, and more, that you can ask yourself to understand what the comparison game looks like, for you, because it is different for everyone. But, what is your specific flavour of the comparison game? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like? And how does it affect your life? How does it affect your business? How does the comparison game just make things feel crappy for you? So that’s the first stage, understanding what your specific type of comparison game is like for you.

The second step in quitting the comparison game for good is getting a different perspective; so, you have been looking at this comparison game from one perspective and you need to kind of step back and look at it from a different angle and get a higher bird’s eye view of it, because you have only been seeing things from one way very, very, narrow angle: this other person is amazing, they are fabulous, they are just so successful, and they are just crushing it and you are just crap at what you do, you are terrible, you are a failure, you are awful. That has been your perspective – or some variation of that. That’s not a good perspective so step back and get a different view of this situation, what does that mean? First of all, realise that you are only seeing one side of this person’s story, you are only seeing the shiny bits, you are only seeing the parts that they choose to share on social media. Now some people are really good about sharing the good bits, the bad bits; and some people just share the shiny bits and that’s fine because that’s what they choose. But, be aware that you are only seeing the side of the story that they are choosing to share publicly and that probably is not the full story. They may be making a ton of money in their business, they may have a steady stream of clients, they may have a thriving mentorship program, they may have an amazing whatever; and yet underneath that they are deeply unhappy because they are stressed, because they are having problems with their partner, because they are anxious that they have got problems with their kid, you don’t know what’s going on for them. And I’m not saying that everyone who is wildly successful has these problems, but we have all got problems of some kind, big or small. And you are not seeing that because most people aren’t talking about those those things. So, this is one thing that you can realise, to get perspective on the situation, you are only seeing the shiny side of this person’s story. And if your comparison game is the kind where you are not even getting triggered by social media stuff, but rather you are making this stuff up on your own it just pops into your head throughout the day, ‘I am not as good as so and so’, your mind is making it all up, you have no idea where they are, so that’s kind of the first way you can get perspective.

The next way is to realise you don’t know the backstory, so maybe they just had a $20,000-dollar launch, but they spent $15,000 dollars on Facebook ads, and marketing, and project management and VA support and stuff. You don’t know the backstory to how they made what they made. You don’t how stressful it was, you don’t know how complicated it was, you don’t know how it made them feel. You don’t know if it was exciting and nourishing and satisfying for them, or whether it was incredibly emotionally and physically draining, and they would never do it again that way. You don’t know the backstory you don’t know all the details and it is kind of like what I said before you only see one side of the story. You don’t know all of the elements that go into this perspective that you have been looking at. And, finally, you don’t know where they are on their journey. So, you know where you are in your journey (hopefully, sometimes!) but you don’t know where they are. Maybe they are incredibly unhappy with their business, even though they are making money? Maybe they are really stressed out? Maybe they are getting to throw in the towel, because they would rather just go back to work – even though they are making money – because they have realised that they are not cut out to have a business. You have no idea where they are and where they are going with their business. They might be going somewhere that you have no idea and you also often have no idea what their background is. Maybe it is their third business and they have sold the other two businesses because they were so successful. Maybe they have got 20 years of business and marketing behind them and that’s why they seem to have had overnight success. You don’t know where they have come from, you don’t know where they are going you don’t know where they are on their journey, so it is impossible for you to really compare yourself to them, because you don’t have all of the information. And accepting, and realising, and understanding the fact that you don’t have all the information should hopefully help to give you a different perspective on this person, these people that you are comparing yourself to.

So, stop for a minute and think about one of these people that you typically compare yourself to. Now that you have got this perspective realising that you don’t have all the information, you don’t realise where they are in their story, you don’t know the backstory to their success and you are only seeing one side of their story, the side that they are choosing to show you. How does that make you feel? How can you view this comparison to them differently? Does it make you feel relief? Does it make you feel confused? Does it make you feel happy realising that you know maybe you are not as bad as you thought, because maybe they are not as great as you thought? How does it make you feel to realise that you have this higher perspective, or wider perspective?

Finally, the third step is to take action; I know this is always the last step in everything I talk about; and the way I see taking action to quit the comparison game for good, is a combination of inner action and outer action. So, you have got to kind of focus on yourself and then also stop focussing on other people. So, those are kind of two different sides of the same coin. For starters, celebrate your wins no matter how big or small they are. What did you do well this week? And if you are not doing a weekly kind of review, it is time to start doing that, do a weekly review. It can look like: what went well this week, what you might like to do differently, how can I change things? But in this case, we are going to look at what went well for you and that could be as simple as you got all the stuff done that was high priority on your list; you cleaned out your inbox, if that’s what important to you; it could be that you had an extra client session this week, or that you had really good client sessions this week or that you helped one client have an amazing breakthrough, or you just really enjoyed your client sessions this week. Or, it could be you had an interview that went really well. It could be anything, anything as big or small as you choose, celebrate and maybe write these things down, so if you journal write this stuff down, because I find that writing it down makes it kind of more concrete, it makes it clearer, and it makes it more tangible. It is easier to acknowledge when you see it in writing. And again, no matter how small write it down. So, this is really useful, to celebrate your wins no matter how big or small. It doesn’t have to be: I had a $10,000-launch this week, not it can be anything. And going along with this is gratitude work. And now I know that some people have a daily gratitude practice; some people really resist it, do what works for you. If you have no practice at all try writing down three things that you are grateful for today, or this week if you do it at the end of the week, or maybe one thing that you are grateful for this day but there is always something to be grateful for, or appreciative of. I have a friend who prefers appreciative to grateful. So, do what works for you, but celebrate the wins and practice gratitude for the things that you do have; because even during times when we feel like ‘business is shit’, or ‘I am really stressed or overwhelmed’, there is always at least one good thing, even if it is like: I have a roof over my head and clean water to drink and a flushing toilet. Those are things that a lot of people don’t have in the world, we often take them for granted, but those are things that can go on your gratitude list; because honestly, they are pretty good things to have.

So, other types of inner action and things you can do. Focus on your journey, don’t take your eye off your ball. Focus on what you are doing, what your goals are, what you want to do, the things that you love, the things that you enjoy, the things that nourish you. Focus on your journey and on doing the things that you enjoy doing. The things that make you happy, the things that make you love your business. Review your goals, if they are feeling unattainable then maybe set yourself some smaller goals, smaller milestones, that are on the path to achieving those bigger goals. Break things down into smaller bite-sized chunks to make it easier for you to take action; but focus on step-by-step taking action on your path. Focus on looking at the path ahead of you, looking at where you are putting your feet. It is kind of like having tunnel vision, sometimes, but just looking at your journey rather than lifting up your head and looking at other people’s paths. Have you ever noticed when you are walking down the street or walking somewhere, and you are staring at something in the distance and you kind of get off your path and you might bump into something, because you are not focussed on where you are walking? So, looking at where someone is on their path, where they are walking, what they are doing, takes you off your own path. So, keep your eyes on your path and practice some of that tunnel vision and one of the ways that you can do that is not paying so much attention to what other people do on social media; and I will talk about that a little bit more in a minute.

And a massive part of the inner work of taking action to quit the comparison game is the mindset work – the deep mindset work. So, releasing limiting beliefs, reprogramming enhancing beliefs, positive beliefs, doing energy work to release the energy blocks, working on your mindset and your energy system. So, take a look at your self-esteem, take a look at your self-confidence, take a look at your self-worth and work on this stuff, either with yourself, or with another practitioner, facilitator, or professional. Get help, or do it on your own, but work on the mindset stuff relating to the comparison game. So, who do you need to be to let go of the comparison game and stop looking at what other people are doing? How do you need to act to let go of the comparison game? What do you need to be doing differently? What do you need to believe about yourself so that your can quit the comparison game? How will it make you feel to quit the comparison game? What’s stopping you from quitting the comparison game? Why are you still holding on to it? How is your life going to change once you quit the comparison game? And, what do you need to believe about yourself in order to focus on your own path and ignore everyone else’s? What do you need to believe about your ability to walk your own path towards your goals? What do you need to believe about your ability to achieve your goals? To have a successful business? Take a look at your mindset, take a look at the beliefs that you have that are supporting you, that are limiting you, and work on transforming your mindset and getting a new set of beliefs that will support you and keeping your eyes on your own path, so you are not getting distracted by what everyone else is doing. And like I said, a lot of this comes down to self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence; these are three big things that we need to work on so that we can have the confidence to keep our eyes on our own path and not get distracted by other people. So, those are the things that you can do to take inner action.

In terms of taking outer action, this is a tricky one, and I was debating about whether or not to include these things, because essentially what I think is going to help you, and of course everyone has a different way of dealing with things, but I think what helps is to like I said keep our eyes on our path, and not pay attention to other people. So, one of the ways that I have done this in the past is to just unfollow people that trigger me. And every once in a while, I’ll realise that I am comparing myself to a certain person, I just unfollow them on Facebook; I don’t unfriend them, because I like them, it is just my crap that they are triggering; so, I will just unfollow for a while and then when I realise I miss them I will follow them again. But I think that is a really good way of not getting distracted by these people that we know trigger us; so, that may or may not work for you. Another thing that you may want to do is just take it one step further and just ignore social media for a while and I have been feeling kind of allergic to social media for a while, but I have ignoring my Facebook timeline for quite some time. Every once in a while I kind of dip into it, but I mostly just post my own stuff and ignore other people’s stuff, for a variety of reasons. And I have been ignoring Instagram a little bit too, I dip into it sometimes but not like I used to. So, if you are really getting triggered by a lot of people, you can either unfollow those people individually, or just stay away from social media for a while and keep your eyes on your own path. There is a fine line with this because sometimes we have that kind of knee jerk reaction of going to the opposite extreme and just hiding out in our cave and being a hermit for a while, and I have definitely done that in the past and if that’s part of your journey, great do it, but it’s not necessary. If you can find a happy medium, then that might be what’s best for you. But, again, everyone has got their own journey on this and like I said I have had those ups and downs where I just want to crawl into a cave and do my own thing for a while. So, if that’s part of your journey that’s ok. So, unfollow, ignore, and do whatever you need to do to remove the distractions from your life so that you can keep your eyes on your own path. It is kind of like horses that do horse carriages in the city, and they have got blinders on, so they don’t get startled by cars and noise and things. It is like sometimes you need to put your blinders on for a while, and maybe you put your blinders on for a week, a month, several months, a year. Do whatever works for you, but be aware of what you are doing, I think that’s the important thing. Be aware of the fact that you have had this need to withdraw a little bit, ignore, block, unfollow, whatever are doing, and then come back into the world and find that happy medium that works for you. This happy medium where you can be a part of the world, be a part of the online business world, be a part of the networking world and yet still keep your eyes on your own path.

And I think this three-part process can really help us quit the comparison game for good, but it is not something that I think we can achieve in a day, or weeks; I think there is a lot of deep work that needs to go on in the inner-action step. There is a lot of mindset work that can be done to improve self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and I think that stuff doesn’t always get done in a day, a week, a year. I have been working on this stuff for four years now, four and-a-half-years now. So, it is a long process; and I think if you are the kind of person who is dedicated to self-growth, personal development, we are always growing, and we are always working on this stuff, so I don’t think there’s necessarily an end of the road, because I think we are always doing it. It is like I always talk about the spiral staircase where you grow, and you get up to the next level and you grow and you get up to the next level, and you grow again, and you get up to the next level again. We are constantly growing so I don’t want to give you the impression that it is like you have to clear all the stuff out and then you can have a successful business, or then you can do whatever it is that you are here to do. This is something that parallels normal business action taking. So, I hope that’s clear.

So, I hope this was interesting and useful to you, I would love to hear from you as to what the comparison game looks like to you, how you have been playing it, how it has worked or not worked for you. And, what are your tips for quitting the comparison game for good?

So, just to quickly recap, I had the three stages: understand it; get perspective on it (like a higher perspective) and then take action, and that’s a two-part thing. So, taking both the inner action and the outer action. Again, I would love to hear your tips and I would be happy to read them out on the next solo episode. And that is all for now, drop me a line, you can email me: [email protected] or find me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, and get in touch, I would love to hear from you. And thank you so much for listening, if you have enjoyed this you can please leave a quick review on iTunes it would mean the world to me.

And, next week’s episode is our second episode with the fabulous Joann Hennon, this is our co-hosted episode, she is our quarter-one co-host. And, that’s all for now; remember to visit https://www.hollyworton.com/239 for the show notes on this episode. Thank you.