331 Holly Worton ~ Facing Your Fears & Overcoming Them

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I’m back again, with another solo episode! This episode is inspired by a question from a Patron:

“Yesterday I had a re-listen to your podcast episode with Cara about connecting with nature. At one point Cara suggested that people might be missing out on connecting with the land etc. because of fear of what others might think of them and you talked about people being surprised to hear that you walk alone, as that can seem frightening to people.

It got me to thinking again about the fears which tend to prevent us prioritising and making the most of what we have access to in life and how to quieten down unhelpful distractions and wondered if you had any thoughts or suggestions on this theme? Many thanks!”

This is a very timely topic, as I just started re-reading Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear, which I discuss in this episode. There are two types of fears: helpful fears and unhelpful fears. It’s important to distinguish between the two so you know what you’re dealing with. Some fears we want; others prevent us from doing the things we want to do in life.

I have been a very fearful person in the past, and I’ve worked to overcome many of my fears, both through mindset work and through taking practical action to face my fears in a supportive environment. I hope you find this episode interesting and useful, and I hope that it helps you to take a good look at your fears so you can figure out what you want to do about them!

Listen To This Episode

What You’ll Learn

How to tell the difference between helpful fears + unhelpful fears
Helpful fears + why we want to pay attention to them
When + why a fear becomes problematic
Unhelpful fears + how to reduce them
How to work on our fears so we can do the things we want to do

Things I Discussed

Connect With Holly

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Transcript

The transcript for this episode can also be downloaded here (no opt-in required).

Holly: Hello and welcome to the Into the Woods podcast, episode 331. This is your host Holly Worton and I am back with another solo episode. This episode is inspired by a question from a patron, she says:

So this is a very timely question, because I just started thinking recently about this book that I read a couple of years ago that was really, really, useful, which is called: The Gift of Fear. It is by Gavin de Becker and it is called: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence. So, this I a book that I read a few years ago and I found it really, really, useful and then someone mentioned it online and said that they re-read the book every year because they found it really helpful and I thought: oh it has been a while since I read it so I would pick it up again, so I picked it up again and I have just started to read it.

But I think the important thing to highlight here is that there are two basic kinds of fears: there are fears which are helpful and there are fears which are not helpful. So the kinds of fear that Gavin de Becker talks about in his book are useful fears, helpful fears, fears that will keep us safe. So, that author and I will link to this in the show notes, he is someone who has helped celebrities with stalkers, other people with stalkers. He has talked a lot about domestic violence and ways to prevent violent attacks and he basically teaches you in this book, he shares a series of situations, and then points out the ways that the victim in each situation saw little details that told them that something bad was coming, or that the person that they were engaging with was not a safe person. Red flags, basically, and how they ignored them despite the fact that there were several red flags, and so he shares in this book what he calls ‘PINS’, which are Pre-Incident Indicators, so there were indicators or red flags that something bad might happen, in terms of an engagement or an interaction with another person. And, this is a really useful book and it really teaches you about the gift of fear and how to pay attention to your Intuition and use your intuition to let you know when a situation is potentially unsafe. So that book is a really good book to learn about the useful, the helpful kind of fear.

When you are walking alone in the woods, or when I am walking alone in the woods, I am very aware of the fact that I am walking alone in the woods. I never wear headphones when I am out in nature, partly because it defeats part of the purpose of being in nature, but also because it removes one very important sense. You know I don’t tend to walk around looking behind me, checking my back, I just walk. So I pay attention to what I am hearing around me, and I pay attention to the people that I pass.

So sometimes I am out in the woods and I am completely alone and sometimes I am out in the woods and I cross paths with other people. You know you see all kinds of dogwalkers, you might see cyclists and some people are just out for a walk on their own; and I always, it is something I do unconsciously, but I definitely tune in to kind of the energy I get from the person. And I pay attention to anything weird or unusual about the person: this one time I was walking through the woods and I was kind of on this trail that was very near the edge of the woods and I saw this man walk up this hill and then come out onto this trail that I was on and he was wearing a suit and tie and I just thought that was really, really, weird. Because you don’t usually go for a walk in a suit and tie, there was a place where he could have parked, but it was a few minutes walking distance away…it was just a really odd situation. And to me that was like a red flag and I kind of made note of it and kept on with my thing, but I was aware of the fact that there was an unusual person in the midst. There have been times when I have crossed paths with someone that just had weird energy where again they were dressed inappropriately for being out on a walk in nature, you know that kind of thing. Nothing has ever happened to me but any time I see something that is kind of off, it is a red flag and I pay attention to it. And I might look behind my back to make sure that the other person has continued on the trail and kept on going again nothing has ever happened to me and I have never had a situation where I felt like I needed to run or I was really unsafe but I have had these weird little red flag moments where it just kind of flags up my awareness.

And again, I stay aware when I am out in nature, yes there are times when I will sit against a tree and I will close my eyes, and I might meditate, but usually when I am walking I have got my eyes and ears open. So that’s the practical side of fear. I would not walk through the woods with headphones, probably nothing is going to happen, but I just don’t…it doesn’t make sense to me, I wouldn’t risk my safety in that way because things do happen. So that is the practical side of fear, stay safe, use common sense and if you don’t have common sense and if you are new to doing stuff like this go online and search: how to stay safe as a woman alone in the woods or a person alone in the woods and Google it, and see what other people recommend. Other things that I have done to be safe when I am alone in the woods is I have done a lot of navigation classes, I know how to read a map, I know how to read contours, I know how to navigate. I always carry a paper map and I always have the OS maps app on my phone, and I know where I am. So that’s another practical side of being safe when you are out in nature.

But that’s just one example, life involves all kinds of situations — safe and unsafe — and this gift of fear, this inner sense of knowing if something is unsafe, our awareness of those red flags can really, really help us. So when I was putting together the bullet points for this episode I thought about: what are some of my fears, what are some fears that I have had in the past, and what are some fears that other people have? And so I Googled, “top fears”, and some of them are fears that I have had and some of them are fears that I haven’t. Let’s take a look at how these fears can be helpful and unhelpful. So the top fear, or one of the top fears on most of the lists, was public speaking. I used to be terrified of public speaking, that’s a pretty unhelpful fear. I mean usually we get into situations of public speaking because we have sought them out, very rarely will you be out and about in life and someone calls upon you to deliver a speech, so if public speaking is something that you would like to do, if public speaking is something that would be useful to your business or your career, it is a good idea to get over that, because that is not a helpful fear. And the way I did that was by joining Toastmasters, I have talked about Toastmasters a lot, I wasn’t a member for a very long time, I didn’t even do any of my ten speeches, but I learned so much and it helped me get over my fear of public speaking. So, if that is your fear, I would consider that to be an unhelpful fear, again, if you are not interested in speaking, professionally, or publicly, or in a presentation at work, maybe it is not a problem for you. It is an easy fear I think to get over, because you have tools out there like Toastmasters which are really supportive environments to help you get over those fears and I find that when I get over one fear, like public speaking, it is like my comfort zone gets stretched in other areas as well. I overcome that fear, but it helps me with other fears…it has like a ripple effect.

So another fear that I used to have that I don’t have anymore is a fear of water, swimming in water. And this was also an unhelpful fear because years ago I used to swim for exercise, when I was in grad school at UCLA I used to swim every morning for exercise in the morning before class. And I know how to swim, I have known how to swim since I was kid, granted I learned how to swim kind of late, but I was still 9 or so when I learned how to swim. I would be in the pool, have my goggles on, swim, swim, swim, get to that point where it would drop off to the deep end and because I was wearing goggles I could see the floor of the pool, and it was like my heart would start pounding and I would swim really fast to get to the end and turn around and swim really fast and once I got back to the shallow end { laughing} I could just kind of relax and swim normally {laughing}. But that was a problem, I really didn’t like that because I really enjoyed swimming, I found it both relaxing and energising and found it to be really good exercise, but I had this anxiety. So what I did, and I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that other people do this, but it worked for me, I took a scuba diving course, I learned how to scuba dive. Again, don’t necessarily follow my example, I don’t think this is necessarily safe, but what I did was I took a diving course at UCLA which is a ten week course, super, super, organised, professional, lots of instructors it wasn’t just one instructor, we were really supported, it was really comprehensive course. So it worked for me because I felt very supported, and I never told anyone I had that fear, if I had it would have disqualified me from taking the course, because it is dangerous which is why I don’t recommend following my example, but again it worked for me.

Along with water, and I don’t know what my fear was it was just knowing that the bottom of the pool was further away anxiety, and it wasn’t necessarily a fear of drowning which again was on the list of people’s top fears, but I don’t know, there it was, but it has gone. So drowning, another top fear that is a useful fear, especially if you don’t know how to swim, or if you are swimming in the ocean, or rivers, or natural situations, but that is an easy fear to overcome, take swimming lessons. Even if you are an adult and you know how to swim, if you have a fear of drowning, get help, take lessons, and become a better swimmer. And probably having better swimming skills will help you with your fear of drowning because it will give you confidence on how you behave when you are in the water.

A fear of heights, again that is kind of a helpful and unhelpful fear, heights can be dangerous, along with that is flying, lots of people are afraid of flying, flying is something that is totally unnatural, we get in this giant metallic thing and fly through the air, it is kind of ridiculous when you think about it , it makes sense that you would be afraid of it; and yet it is pretty safe, probably safer than cars, actually I think it is if you look at the statistics. So if you are the kind of person who needs to fly, or if you have a job that involves heights or something, this is a fear that is un-useful, or unhelpful, and it is something that you might want to work through, whether it is through hypnotherapy, or NLP, or that kind of thing, it can be really, really, crippling to have that kind anxiety every time you are travelling. Lots of fears I found online around bugs and insects and snakes and dogs, animals and wild animals, that’s kind of a helpful fear, dogs can be dangerous, so can snakes and bugs and insects, but if it is something that is crippling it is something again worth taking care of.

Blood and needles, not so much blood but needles, I used to have a fear of needles years ago, and the way I got over that was by signing up to give blood, that is a really big needle and I just would give blood every chance I got. I did that enough times that I got over the fear of needles, I never passed out, thankfully, I always hydrated well before and I ate well before, so that physically I was in the best place and then I would go and give blood and you know I did that enough times that the fear of needles went away.

Other common fears — claustrophobia, I have never experienced that I actually really like, not confined spaces, but I like small, cosy, spaces, so I don’t really relate to that, but it is a very common fear so if this is unhelpful to you, again, get therapy, get help with it, and not just traditional talk therapy but something like hypnotherapy that can really help you shift this. PSYCH-K® I’m sure could help you, yes of course it could help with phobias, I have done that before, so PSYCH-K® can also help with that, I will make note of this in the show notes, there are all kind of alternative therapies that can help with fears, reprogramming your subconscious beliefs.

Thunder and lightning, again I think that is a fear that comes from a logical place, thunder and lightening can be dangerous if you got struck by lightening that would be good, it could kill you, certainly mess up your day, it could cause damage, it could burn your house down I guess. But again, if it is an unhelpful fear, if it is un-useful and causing you problems get help with it.

Other fears, fear of strangers, that is another one. Fear of strangers, going back to that Gift Of Fear book, if you have a fear of strangers read that book, that is a really good book and then get additional help if you need to. But the good thing about that book is that it teaches you warning signs, it teaches you those ‘PINS’. Other little fears I have just in day-to-day life, like in kickboxing whenever I am sparring with someone new, yeah I have a little bit of apprehension there, because I don’t know how the person is going to behave. You can look at their belt, but sometimes the belt colour doesn’t signify how skilled they actually are, last Monday I was sparring with someone I had never met before, but the person was an orange belt but yet clearly much more skilled than that and I later found out that they had a black belt from another discipline, so I was a bit taken off guard. And I was a bit apprehensive because I hadn’t been in a sparring situation with that guy before, but you know, there you go, it wasn’t that big of a deal, I was on the mat, I did it and there we go.

Other fears I have…new situations sometimes make me feel anxious and it is not in the sense that I avoid new situations because I am doing stuff and new things that I haven’t done before, but I do have a certain amount of apprehension. I have got another Kambo ceremony booked for December, and I am feeling a little apprehensive about that. I am really looking forward to it, this is going to be my third one this year, third and final ceremony this year and I find it really useful, I think it is great healing, but it is a really intense experience, so there is a little bit of fear there, but it is not going to stop me from doing it. So I think that is another thing to keep in mind, are these fears stopping you from doing things that you want to do or are you just feeling a little bit apprehensive about these situations?

Unhelpful fears

So I think those are all fears that are either totally unhelpful or helpful and unhelpful, because some fears are helpful in certain situations, and unhelpful in other situations; but thee are other fears that are just unhelpful, fears like, not being good enough. Fears of: what will they think of me? Stuff that holds us back from doing things, keeps us playing small, and prevents us from doing the things that we want to do, that is when a fear in my opinion becomes problematic. Now I have done several episodes about this over the years and I am going to link to these in the ShowNotes, but episode 259, Jo Casey and I talked about: What Will They Think Of Me? Will They Like Me? And How to Get Past These Fears. Episode 246, Jo Casey and I talked about How To Tell If You Are Out Of Alignment Or Deep In Fear With Your Business? Episode 226 I talked about What To Do When Fear of Overwhelm Is Keeping You Stuck In Business, episode 201, four “woo” experts and I talked about How to Get Over Your Fear of Sharing Your Woo. Episode 137, I talked about How To Stop Hiding and Overcome Your Fear of Visibility and I wrote a book about visibility. Episode 110, I talked about How To Overcome Your Business Fears and Episode 57, Ann Brown and I talked about How To Overcome Fear of Not Being Good Enough, which is a classic for me.

So these are all fears that stem from limiting beliefs, that are really, really, not serving us. So in the past, when I talked about mindset stuff, I usually talk about fears, blocks and limiting beliefs as kind of a package. And it is this package of unhelpful fears and beliefs and mind crap that prevent us from doing the things that we want to do in life. So I really see unhelpful fears like this as a mindset issue, they can be unhelpful distractions, they can prevent us from prioritising the things that we want to do and actually doing the things that we want to do. And there is a book, I have never actually read it, because it doesn’t actually appeal to me, it is called: Fear the Fear and Do It Anyway, and that is something a lot of people say, ‘just push through it’. And honestly that has never worked for me, honestly it just keeps me stuck so I have always also had to do the mindset work to make it easier for me to take the actions that I want to take in life.

So I think this is an issue of treating it the way I treat all other mindset issues, sit down and make a list of all the things that you are afraid of…everything! Whether it is the things that I mentioned earlier, rewind this…({joking} because it is on a cassette!) go back earlier and review the list of phobias and see if you have any of those and write those down. And then write down anything and everything else that you are afraid of, and then look at your goals, look at your plans for next year if you have done that, look at the things that you want to do with your life, both personal and professional. And look at the fears that come up when you think about doing those things and write all those fears down. I really think it is important to give space to our fears, don’t dwell on them, but give them space. Give them a page in your journal, write them down and then look at them, which fears are useful, which of them are helpful and which of them are unhelpful? Then what are you going to do about it? Do the mindset work, get help whether it is using something like PSYCH-K®, to work with yourself, or seeing a facilitator to work with you and I have a ton of PSYCH-K® facilitators that I can recommend to you. Hypnotherapy, I know tons of people that do that, if you need a professional that works either online, or in person, I am happy to give you recommendations or give you ideas, or suggestions, or things that have worked for me. There is a lot of stuff out there that you can either train in to use with yourself or see a professional to help you with this. I really, really, recommend something like PSYCH-K® because it is something that you can train in, in three days, on a long weekend, it is not too expensive, and it will save you 1000s and 1000s of whatever your local currency is in therapy and healing and stuff. I don’t think it is the only answer, in fact it is one of many things that I work with, but I think it is a really great starting point if you want to train in something that you can use yourself and have as a tool always. I highly, highly recommend it. Again if you want other recommendations I am happy to give those too but that is really important. Also, as I said, hypnotherapy is really good, and NLP, at dealing with trauma, fear and phobias and that kind of thing.

So that is how I would recommend working with reducing those unhelpful fears, fears are part of our mindset, they are an unhelpful part of our mindset and I think it is really important to give them the space that you need and then work through them. But if you just try to sweep them under the rug and pretend they are not there and repress them, that is not going to be helpful, that is not going to be useful. You really need to just put these out there and don’t be ashamed of them. I was just thinking that, because I think one of the reasons that we might, or some people might, sweep them under the rug is because we are ashamed of them. Who wants to say they are afraid of I don’t know insects or whatever? I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of. We have all got fears, useful and un-useful and it is just a matter of doing the work that you need to do, to work through them and get past them, so that you can live the life that you want to live and do the things that you want to do, and not let your fears hold you back.

So going back to the beginning question that inspired this whole thing, the episode that I did with Cara about connecting with nature which I will link to in the Show Notes, so “Cara suggested that other people might be missing out on connecting with the land because of fear of what other people might think of them”, again that is an unhelpful fear, what will they think of me? I have got a whole separate podcast on that which is in the Show Notes but treat that as you would any other mindset issue that you want to transform. I talked about people being surprised to hear I walk alone as that can be frightening to people, read the Gift of Fear, I think that is an excellent book, the Kindle book has an extended version or an extended something, but the kindle has something the paperback doesn’t but buy whatever format you want it is an excellent book in any format.

[continuing] “It got me to thinking again about the fears which tend to prevent us prioritising and making the most of what we have access to in life and how to quieten down unhelpful distractions.” How to quieten, down unhelpful distractions, this is so, so, important. Identifying the things that we want to be prioritising, the things we want to be doing, how do we want to make the most of what we have access to in life? Maybe start by that, start by making a list of all the things that are important to you, all your priorities, all the things that you want to do, create a bucket list if you don’t have one, look at your bucket list if you do have one, and look at all the fears that you have that might get in the way of achieving these goals, of doing these things, of living your life fully and then do the mindset work that you need to do to release these fears and to reprogram helpful beliefs that will help you to create the life that you want.

Thank you for listening, I hope that you have found this interesting and useful, as I said this question came from one of my patrons and I would love you the listeners to join me on Patreon, if you head to http://Patreon.com/HollyWorton you can join me there. Membership starts at just $1 a month and you get access to exclusive content and done-for-you mindset work and energy work and stuff that I don’t offer anywhere else.

So, http://Pareon.com/HollyWorton, I would love to see you there. And please drop me a line and let me know what you thought of this week’s episode you can email me at [email protected] or find me online and get in touch there.

Thank you so much for listening and I will see you next week. Remember to visit: http://HollyWorton.com/331 for the show notes on this episode thank you so much for listening.